Monday, July 25, 2005

Things to Do Whilst Awake at 2:43 A.M.

  • Annoy husband, who is far to polite to respond in any way, by twisting and turning in bed, thereby pulling covers away from him and undoubtedly keeping him awake.
  • Go to kitchen and have bowl of tasty and fiber-filled generic raisin bran, thus ensuring superior "regularity."
  • Pray. Focus on prayer for enemies. Recount to God each little teeny-tiny infraction against said enemies. Become very angry in process and realize that praying for enemies might be better if details were vague. God will understand.
  • Itch poision ivy on neck, attained undoubtedly from miniature dachshund who, while romping in backyard, apparently found the vile weed. Consider buying tiny miniature dachshund haz-mat outfit to avoid further incidents. Google "dachshund haz-mat." Believe that the reason no outfit can be found is because one must be spelling "haz-mat" incorrectly. Curse google.
  • Finish final load of laundry.
  • Convince cat to hold still so that matted hair on his back can be cut out. Praise cat and tell him how patient and beautiful he is. Spend time analyzing why exactly he gets matted hair only in that spot. Determine that he is too fat and cannot reach his tail to clean. Vow to switch him over to low calorie cat food. Apologize to cat for this change. Offer tasty morsels as incentive to lose weight.
  • Read husband's copy of TV Guide cover to cover. Realize that perhaps Tom Cruise really did have a "celebrity melt-down" when he was on the Oprah show. Wonder about odds of his marriage to Katie Holmes lasting. Be thankful you don't have to provide their pre-marital counseling.
  • Marvel at all that can get done if you slept less at night.
  • Crawl into the guest room bed with a book and admit defeat.

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