Third Trimester Hormonal Freak: A Real Life One Act Play

Characters: R. and C.
Setting: The comfortable family room of the couple's home. R., a dapper man with beautiful silver hair sits in his leather recliner. C., his seven-months-pregnant wife, who happens to be feeling especially frumpy on this particular Sunday evening is lying on the couch trying to get in a comfortable position where nerve pain doesn't shoot down her leg. They are happily watching the sitcom "The Office" that they taped earlier this week. It has been a good day and all is well, the dachshund snores contentedly under the blankets next to C., the cat purrs lazily while lying on the back of the couch. The show ends and R. fast-forwards to the next show, "Scrubs." But then...the action begins.

C: Wait! Don't start it yet.
R: (Pausing the tape and turning to C., assuming she will be making one of her myriad trips to the bathroom during the commercial break) Yes?
C: I just...well, I just feel like I've got to eat something or I'm going to throw up again. And I think it needs to have protein (tears welling up in her eyes and a catch in her voice).
R: Okay. (Long pause as he waits for C. to continue speaking or get up to find her protein-fueled food).
C: And...(struggling to sit up as her sciatic nerve throbs and her belly keeps her from moving gracefully) And...I just think I'm going to cry.
R: Oh no...I'm sorry...(Stands up gingerly and walks to sit next to C. on the couch).
C: (Bursts into anguished sobs) I'm hungry and I don't know what to eat. (More sobbing as tears pour dramatically down her cheeks).
R: (Hugging C.) I'm sorry.
C: And my leg hurts. And I need some protein. And I don't want to throw up again. (More sobbing, burying her face in R.'s shoulder, undoubtedly snuffling snot into the fleece of his sweat suit).
R: I'm sorry.
C: And I don't think I can do this (More tears).
R: Do what?
C: Be pregnant.
R: Well, sweetie, I think you're already doing it.
C: (A pause in the tears as this realization sets in) Oh....(more tears) But, I don't know what I want to eat. And I can't stop crying (more tears). This is so stupid.
R: It's okay.
C: Some day you're going to tell Grayson about the fact that his mom started crying because she couldn't think of anything to eat.
R: Probably. But it will make a good story.
C: (More tears) I need protein. I need someone to take care of me. My leg hurts. I hate this.
R: Would a grilled cheese help? (Whereby C. and R. make their way into the kitchen where C. sobs some more and R. suggests all sorts of delictable protein-rich treats to entice her).

Raspberry yogurt and green beans never tasted so good.

Tune in next week for more "Tales of the Third Trimester Hormonal Freak."