Wednesday, December 19, 2007

On What I Thought This Would Be

Occasionally I feel the need to apologize for what this blog was supposed to be, and what it is right now. Originally, I wrote because I needed an outlet for what sermon writing and journaling once had been for me while I was in pastoral ministry. Originally, I spent more time in contemplation, more time alone, more time in self-reflection. I could afford to put my energy there.

And then, this cataclysmic shift happened and I had a child who consumed my thoughts. All that time spent in contemplation, that time spent trying to discover who I was as a child of God became time spent feeding a baby, and time spent caring for the needs of another, and time spent word-finding after the mind-numbing sleeplessness took over. And I have been so consumed, so overwhelmed that I would turn to a blank screen in front of me and say, "Nope. I've got nothing."

And yet, this parenting, this discovery of Grayson, is another form of contemplation I'm learning. When I spend a good ten minutes marveling at the way Grayson uses his hands, or ponder how it is that he's learned that the word "cat" can be applied to all four-legged creatures (we try not to discriminate against dogs in this house), and not just one particular cat (namely Cooper as Moses runs like hell to hide from the boy's ever stretching grasp), I find myself scratching my head in wonder. And I find myself re-imaging God. I love my child so much. If God is my parent, than how much must God love me? I'm still learning how to take that in.

There were people who told me that a baby could change your life. And I had the audacity not to believe them, even after being a step-mother.

But being a mother is not the all of who I am, and in time I intend on refocusing on the other roles that Christen plays. But, it seems near impossible to do that when I have little sleep. I can barely remember to change the boy's diaper sometimes, let alone wonder at the mystery that is our Creator.

This is not meant to be simply a "Mommy Blog;" I am not comfortable dwelling only in that world. But, for now, it is where my creative energies lie. And I trust that there is a "more" which will also emerge.

So, in my blog writing, perhaps you came initially for the contemplation, for the hospicey stuff, for the ministry speak, but perhaps you'd consider staying for awhile because the boy, he's got stuff to teach this old lady too. I'd I sure like to share that with you as well.


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Contemplative Chaplain said...

Leave me alone, Spam-Man. Now, shoo!

Cathy said...

All those spammers - be gone with you!

As for you Contemplative Chaplain - you are who you are - and I have changed the nature of my blog, which began strictly as a knitting blog. I found that I needed/ wanted to change it to me as the whole person that I am. You, too, are doing that - and your little one is all consuming right now, which is why your focus is there. As he grows older and is more independent, it will allow you to branch back and out to the person you are and are becoming. Please don't apologize - consider it a blessing!

Anonymous said...

Dear CC - motherhood really brings new meaning to "and Mary pondered all these things in her heart..." doesnt it? blessings- a mother and a CPE resident- N