Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Beefcake: The Personal Ad for Eligible Babies

Me: Your common young bachelor, looking for a fine person (between the ages of eight and fourteen-months old) to make me complete.
Likes: Walks on the beach (in my stroller), sunsets, a fine dinner (of strained carrots and Gerber's Hawaiian delight), the quiet moments in front of the fire (watching Baby Einstein DVDs in our matching baby swings), the simple pleasures (imitating one another as we practice our spit bubbles), expressing myself freely (cringing loudly as my face turns beet red when I have to poop) the joy of a nice, sturdy cardboard box, and the heady seduction of a soothing Peter, Paul and Mommy CD.
Dislikes: Loud noises (the vacuum cleaner, dogs barking, hair dryers, mixers and/or blenders), being alone for too long, "tummy time," feeding myself cheerios (rather than having them gently placed on my tongue by an elder), someone who doesn't understand my moods and needs, the constant frustration of the cat walking away from me just when I want to give him a nice, long squeeze.
Needs: A partner who can overlook my slight Oedipal complex...developmental books say I'll surpass this soon.

If you could be the person for me, if you've been looking for that special twelve-month old, I'm ready and waiting.

My name is Grayson. And I approved this ad.

And in about eleven years, I'll probably pierce my nose to get even with my mother for blogging about it.

No comments: