Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Because Her Therapist Told Her To

She posts.

But, it is awkward as all hell because she's dosed on Prednisone and while she is still sighing sighs too deep for words after learning that her elusive weirdo bizarre physical (hypochondriacal, as some have been known to say) symptoms are completely authentic but also benign and medication related, she is still a little unsure of how to start writing again.

Writing about feeling cosmically alone. And feeling as if death is just too present. And feeling as if life is just too damn short. And wondering if all this living in the midst of death doesn't mean she's becoming ineffective in the ways of life.

I don't doubt God's ways. I'm sure that if She is around she's a pretty smart cookie.

But, I doubt Her being around in general. I wonder, all too often, if this is all there is.

And yet, I see the faraway look in the eyes of patients as they reach their hands out to the loved ones who are calling them. I opened my eyes in awe-struck wonder as the 94-year-old woman last month who I sat next to in her hospital bed as she called pleadingly for her mommy. She grabbed my hand with urgency as she asked, "Don't you see her? She's right there? Shouldn't I go?" How could I say no?

"Yes, Cordelia, she's right there. She's waiting for you," I assured.

Believing. And doubting (was it Morphine?).

So, readers...are there readers here anymore when I've ignored you for so long? What do you believe? Where is God? What is heaven? Are we cosmically alone?

(John, you reading? Or does that break the Hippocratic/Therapeutic oath?)


Exilic Chaplain said...

Glad to see you writing again. Reading and with you...

Shannon said...

Christin, yours was the first blog I ever really discovered and bookmarked. I found a kindred chaplain soul, as disparate as our circumstances and stories are. I am glad you're writing--and living into the fullness of your own life.

jlmschirm said...

I'm still reading, doing similar work as a Hospice Chaplain, blogging about my own doubts and fears here:

Thanks for sharing your stuff with us :-)

jlmschirm said...


mid-life rookie said...

Still reading occasionally, but not often because I'm busy writing what I believe for the Board of Ordained Ministry. You don't have room here for the 30 pages. Began reading you when I was doing CPE at huge huge hospital with lots of death. Heard this back then. God inspires us - breathes the breath of life into us. When we expire we breathe that breath back to God. You also inspire your readers and your patients. Prayers for you and yours.