Monday, May 29, 2006

An Open Letter to My Immune System

Dear Immune System,

First of all, thanks so much for taking such good care of me this past flu season, what with the amazing job you did protecting me from that nasty stomach flu that little miss B. had during Nutcracker season, and that hacking cough that was going around the office. Props to you and your minions for working so hard night and day to keep the cooties away. You guys rock, really.

But, it's time we had a little talk, I.S. (can I call you, I.S.? I mean, we know each other pretty well by now, right?). Dude, you need to chill a little with this whole poison ivy thing. I mean, I know you're just doing you job, protecting me from the vile weed and all that, but, just between you and me...the weed is gone, man. It's been pulled out of the yard, and it's in the trash, on it's way now to a certain death in a landfill hidden under mounds of coffee grounds and eggshells.

I know, I know, you were mad at me for touching it, even with the gloves on...and it probably wasn't a smart thing for me to do, but I don't know the difference between poison ivy and poison oak very well, so you'll have to forgive me for that. And I know, you're just doing your job by responding with the redness and the oozing sores and the itching, my God the itching. But, seriously, it's been almost six days now. You're being a little hyper-sensitive. Really, I mean no disrespect, but it's time to go back to fighting the real enemies, bird flu and West Nile virus and all that, those are the ones we've got to look out for, my friend. This poison ivy/oak thing, it's nothing for you to get so worked up about.

I apologize for the prednisone. I know there's nothing that hurts your ego more than having yourself suppressed, but rest assured it's only for two weeks or so, and believe me, this will hurt me more than it will hurt you. I'm the one who has to struggle through the insomnia and twitchy eyelids. Just consider it a little break...take a nap, take the kids to the beach, lull around in your pajamas. Relax, immune system, you deserve it.

Your ever lovin' partner in the fight against evil,
The Contemplative Chaplain


Anonymous said...

This is freakin' hilarious.


revabi said...

Hope you have begun to get over the Poison Ivy, the IS has started to calm down. I do not like Prednisone either. Poison Ivy seems to be a problem around here as well. Not a pretty sight. But hey at least you have a good excuse to not wear panty hose (I hope.) I have to share this with some of my members and friends who are highly allergic to it. You know you don't even have to touch it to have problems with it. But touching it can really be nasty.

Contemplative Chaplain said...

Thank you for your kind words, revabi...the only major complaint I have now is INSOMNIA, but the benadryl seems to conteract the highly jittery ick factor. Poison Ivy is absolutely wretched. I have always been a heavy-duty reactor. My next post may be a repentant letter from the dog about how she may have been the culprit, bringing it in the house. NPR had an interesting piece last night on poison ivy. Scary, itchy stuff. Thanks for commenting...