Dear Immune System,
First of all, thanks so much for taking such good care of me this past flu season, what with the amazing job you did protecting me from that nasty stomach flu that little miss B. had during Nutcracker season, and that hacking cough that was going around the office. Props to you and your minions for working so hard night and day to keep the cooties away. You guys rock, really.
But, it's time we had a little talk, I.S. (can I call you, I.S.? I mean, we know each other pretty well by now, right?). Dude, you need to chill a little with this whole poison ivy thing. I mean, I know you're just doing you job, protecting me from the vile weed and all that, but, just between you and me...the weed is gone, man. It's been pulled out of the yard, and it's in the trash, on it's way now to a certain death in a landfill hidden under mounds of coffee grounds and eggshells.
I know, I know, you were mad at me for touching it, even with the gloves on...and it probably wasn't a smart thing for me to do, but I don't know the difference between poison ivy and poison oak very well, so you'll have to forgive me for that. And I know, you're just doing your job by responding with the redness and the oozing sores and the itching, my God the itching. But, seriously, it's been almost six days now. You're being a little hyper-sensitive. Really, I mean no disrespect, but it's time to go back to fighting the real enemies, bird flu and West Nile virus and all that, those are the ones we've got to look out for, my friend. This poison ivy/oak thing, it's nothing for you to get so worked up about.
I apologize for the prednisone. I know there's nothing that hurts your ego more than having yourself suppressed, but rest assured it's only for two weeks or so, and believe me, this will hurt me more than it will hurt you. I'm the one who has to struggle through the insomnia and twitchy eyelids. Just consider it a little break...take a nap, take the kids to the beach, lull around in your pajamas. Relax, immune system, you deserve it.
Your ever lovin' partner in the fight against evil,
The Contemplative Chaplain