Friday, July 21, 2006

Too Much Information

Warning...I've been doped out on the big drugs today due to an infertility related procedure. So, this is the uncensored Contemplative Chaplain at her finest. Who knows, this post may be erased when I come to, officially, so read it while you can...

As I've often alluded to, I'm being treated for all sorts of invasive fertility procedures. And, I've become accustomed to them, so much so that I have become a mainstay in 'ole Dr. B's office and can call all the nurses by name and even know the names of their children, and animals and favorite local eateries. My favorite nurse, though, is Shelby. I love, love, love Shelby not only because she seems to be the one who does her work with the least amount of pain, but because she is always so hopeful, and because in a private conversation, she has confessed to me that she changes the doctor's choice of radio station music from the contemporary Christian variety to 80s rock on the days he's not in the office. Shelby's a rebel. We speak the same language. And our language doesn't have any breathy "Oh Jesus..." refrains, nor does it use the words "majestic" and "Lord" in the same sentence.

Well, this morning, after downing the good drugs, and lying on the paper-covered doctor's table, Shelby and I started chit-chatting about her life. Seems she's getting married soon. Seems she's looking for a minister to officiate. "Do you ever do that kind of thing?" She asked, while snapping on her rubber gloves. "I'd be happy to for you, " I said. "Really?" she asked, clearly pleasantly surprised, "That would be so great! I'm so touched!"

The procedure went as anticipated. Shelby left the room so I could lie quietly on my back and contemplate the wonders of the universe, and enjoy my Xanax induced calm for the next twenty minutes. And then something occurred to me with clarity, a moral lesson society repeats to all its responsible youth in issues of sexuality, and I turned to a loving and devoted R. who sat holding my hand and slurred assertively, "Hell, if Shelby knocks me up, the least I can do is marry her."

And, damn if that comment still seems like the funniest thing I've ever said.

7 comments:

Linda (FM) said...

OMG! That's hilarious. I just spit diet coke on the computer.

Cathy said...

I am glad I wasn't drinking or eating anything or it would have come out my nose! That's pretty funny!

Xanax induced comedian!
Hope she knocks you up :)

Being Made said...

Heeheeheeheehee.

BookishKnitster said...

you crack me up! wishing you the best with getting knocked up!

"imagine the darkness in love with the light." said...

LMAO...that was great. ^^ wish you the best at getting knocked up.

Amy said...

That's funny stuff.

Mary Beth said...

That is waaaaaay too funny!

I hope you get to make an honest woman out of her SOON. :)